•May 7, 2010 • Leave a Comment

I love my brother and my new sister. They’re pretty awesome. And their wedding was by far my favorite one ever.

Did I mention they had an amazing photographer?

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Sigur Rós

•April 27, 2010 • Leave a Comment

Samskeyti is now perhaps my favorite song in the world. I finally broke down and bought myself a new ipod. My old one is 5 years old and the battery hardly holds a charge, so I have basically not had an ipod for a long while. It has stayed in my car for the past two years and before that, I didn’t use it very much because I was afraid of it getting stolen out of my backpack at school.

But let me tell you, walking around with three thousand songs in your pocket at all times is a pretty great thing. I usually am left to listen to whatever someone with an ipod brings in to sculpture class, but not today. Today I sat down with Costas and has a lovely time sketching for a potentially very fun sculpture. This is the first project I have wanted to do for this class all semester, so hopefully it will turn out well.

I also got new music for the first time in about 10 months. I used to get all of my music from limewire. Whenever I would go home, I would have an illegal download party and get a few hundred new songs, then I would sift through them in the time until the next break, deciding which artists were good enough for me to continue to rip off. I never felt bad about it until PA training when we were doing sessions on confrontation. My scenario was none other than confronting someone who had been downloading movies and music illegally. It sucked. I had to lecture this person about how it’s wrong, even if it isn’t hurting anyone. I had to tell them that they know the rules they are held accountable to. It was not a huge moment, but it was a conviction that has now spread into many other areas of my life.

Since then, I have thought a lot about insincerity and accountability. I don’t want to say things or agree to things that I will not honor. I have found myself to be uncomfortable telling people I love them since then. While I very well may, I fear I will empty my words if I say it without reason. Instead, this year I have been saying “I know” as a response to “I love you” when my friends say it. It’s not that I don’t love them, it’s just that I want to say things when I think of them and when I have a reason in my mind for saying them. Besides that, I have a new respect for the Life Together Covenant at my school. I have not only read through all of it, but was responsible for making sure the girls on the floor understood what they were signing, so I certainly know the rules. So if for no other reason, I follow the rules so that I do not empty my name. I know the rules, and whether I agree with them or not, I did agree to them. So I say “I know” sometimes when people tell me they love me and I don’t have tiny sips of alcohol when I want to know what certain drinks taste like and all that other good stuff that I see no point in.

In any case, listen to this. Just stop what you are doing for five minutes and listen to it. This song is the perfect theme song for any day. It’s so… indescribable and wonderful and perfect. I feel like this song is hugging my soul. Weird, I know, but I am just so blown away by it.

things that really creep me out

•April 27, 2010 • 1 Comment

1. Ketchup… still. It’s the grossest thing that you could ever ingest.

2. Beetles- they make loud, disgusting noises when they fly. And they always end up flying right into me and then I want to cry. Right before college, my family moved houses. We were not very well packed and did most of the moving in the last 36 hours before we had to get out. My sister and I, amongst doing other wonderful things

(

) took about 4000 trips from the house out to the moving truck. With our arms full of heavy boxes, we did not close the door, meaning that beetles got ALL OVER. They smacked into my face and I stepped on them… not a fun sound. All in all, I want all of them to vaporize.

3. People who hold each other in public- Not okay. It’s almost never cute. I don’t care if you’re dating or if you are friends of the same gender or if you’ve been married for years and years. Must you really hold one another for extended periods of time at that very moment? Wait until you are alone. Ew.

4. People, mainly strangers or acquaintances, who start a conversation, then refuse to keep it going- I am not good at talking when I don’t have anything to say, so I will generally not start a conversation that I can’t maintain. Why would you do that? Silence is fine until you make it awkward, and that is a surefire way to make it happen. Once someone does that, all I want to do is run away and never talk again.

5. White underwear- no matter how clean a person may be, why would you want something so… potentially dingy? In the laundry room, when I am not annoyed with people for leaving their clothes in the drier for hours, I sometimes fold their clothes, and I have learned that there is no such thing as white underwear. They take on this strange color that does not, and should not, have a name. Something so utterly unpleasant should never have to be expressed through words. That’s all I’m saying.

6. Dirty hair- Though I will occasionally skip a shower to get a bit more sleep, some people cannot get away with doing this. Some people can get away with four days… Julie. But really, some people need to wash their hair every day. I understand missing a day every once in a while, but making it a habit to go a day or two between showers is not okay for some. When people regularly have oily hair, I feel like all of them is filthy. They have showered last at exactly the same time as me, but if that person tries to touch me, I just can’t let them without cringing. I know it’s not the case, but I feel like if they touch me, I will get oily. I can’t help it.

7. Brita Crouse. It is unnerving how cool she is. Really, I couldn’t think of a seventh one, and Brita is the only person who reads this.

8. People who wear pants that are at least a couple sizes too small for them. Doesn’t it hurt? Is your butt even half covered by your pants? Are your hip bones broken? Have you not seen 30 Rock?

9. The sounds at the end of that song.

10. Belly buttons. Outies are weird looking and Innies are just caves in your stomach. Beh. Eck!

things that creep me out

•April 27, 2010 • Leave a Comment

(From my old blog on 11/18/2008)

1. Ketchup- It is the grossest thing ever invented. The taste is almost as bad as the texture. And it is the most unnatural looking color.

2. Naturally Red Foods- They taste like red… not that I don’t like red as a color, its just that all of the foods that happen to be red taste a little like I’m dying inside.

3. Bridges- Whether they are high or not, they are so flimsy looking. We we not meant to be suspended above things like that. Airplanes are fine, but bridges… they are scary business.

4. Bathroom Attendants- All they do is listen to you pee and then give you a paper towel and then they expect a tip? Dumbest job ever! And its a job worth maybe 10 cents, but you can’t tip someone 10 cents, so I end up tipping them too much just so they won’t think I’m a total tool.

5. Old Men- Somehow, whenever I am in a new and unfamiliar place, I am surrounded by old people-old men, more specifically. They invade my personal space with their abnormally long air hair and their extremely unpleasant cologne… is that cologne, or is that just their musk?

6. People who can’t/won’t control the volume of their voice- I understand that I am loud at times, but when I see fit, I can lower my voice and I do. It is particularly bad with guys because some of their voices are so low I can feel them talking. Add in some monotone conversation and I’m officially freaked out.

7. Hairy Toes- enough said.

8. Plaque- it is the weirdest/grossest thing about the top half of the human body.

9. Static- People may not think it is gross, but i really can’t stand it. Its one of those completely irrational fears of mine. I don’t so much mind static shocks, but its static powered hair that gets me. I feel like my hair is glued to my face and trying to eat me. ew.

10. People with long fingernails and dry skin- the combination usually leads to itching of said scratchy skin, with the abnormally long fingernails makes a sound with a likeness to sandpaper on gravel.

grum-lings

•April 22, 2010 • Leave a Comment

I won my class spelling bee in third grade with the word “fiddler”. Everything has been downhill since then. Not really, but my spelling certainly hasn’t improved much, which explains my name for this blog.

This summer, I moved into the dorm over a week early to start training and preparing for my job as PA (RA). During that time I took an amazing, but exhausting 55 mile bike trip and saw Mackinac Island for the first time. It was so great. I never would have thought I could ride that far, and I certainly did not think there was any chance that I would enjoy it. I was great for me to have to struggle along side of (and in front of) my fellow PAs. At times, it was embarrassing, but it was a really great challenge, and I am glad I will be doing it again when I return to school this fall.

After the bike trip, we returned to campus and had meetings all day. It was hard to find time to decorate the floor, and as I am an art major, of course I chose decorations that would be far too time intensive. A couple days before Welcome Weekend, some of the other leaders on my floor moved in, and then where grum-lings comes in. The night before the freshmen would be moving in, I still did not have a lot of the floor decorations done. The girls on my floor helped me cut out letters for door name signs for hours. The handles of the scissors were all but fused onto their hands.

While they were all working away, I was trying to get the floor verse all written out. The verse is 1 Peter 4:8-10 “Above all, love each other because love covers over a multitude of sin. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. Each one should use whatever gifts he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God’s grace in its various forms.” It took so long that only the first verse of it was up for a couple months, because I could not find time to finish it the way I wanted to.

I was determined to have the letters look perfect, so much so that I rewrote some of the words 3 or 4 times. I was about at my breaking point somewhere after midnight when I looked down at the word I had been writing- perfecting each corner and curve of the letters- and I had written “grumling”. I could have been angry. If it had been any other word, I would have complained.

I was exhausted and overwhelmed and probably would have liked for those around me to feel sorry for me, but how do you complain about misspelling the word grumbling? Since then, grumling has held a place in my fancies. It is perhaps one of my favorite words. Grumling is laughing at the things that hurt and annoy me. It is smiling at embarrassment and resting in times of chaos.

the experience

•April 20, 2010 • Leave a Comment

I hate summer. Everyone else seems to be crazy about it. I don’t like heat and I don’t like the beach. I don’t know how to barbeque and there certainly isn’t anyone who is doing it for me, so really what is the appeal? I have never had the answer to that question before now. I don’t enjoy lounging around in my house all day while people are off to work, so why would I settle for doing that for another summer? Summer has proven to be a time of standing still or backsliding for me in the past, but I am confident that will not be the case this year.

This year I am not only leaving my house, but traveling cross country and abroad. I will start my summer in Denver CO, a thousand miles away from home and my family. I will then be spending my birthday in the Dominican Republic and maybe Haiti. Then I will be in dear, sweet Mishawaka, staying at Bethel College during a high school discipleship program called “Deep Camp”. The last two weeks of my adventure will be spent on a road trip back to Colorado with my team and then a time of planning how what we’ve learned will play into our lives.

While the traveling would be enough to make me happy, I am thrilled about the changes that are bound to be made in me this summer. The program I am doing is called The Experience, and it’s run by Kingdom Building Ministries. The program is designed to be intense and uncomfortable, and I am SO excited for it. Though I do not want to be away from home with everything that has been going on in the last year, I know that I need to do this program. I could not even begin to convince myself that it would be better for me to be doing anything else. That being said, I am afraid.

I am afraid that I will not be enough for my team- that they will be leaps and bounds ahead of me. I am afraid not that others will look down on me, as they are too loving to do such a thing, but I am not. I will bully myself for my weaknesses and convince myself that no matter how quickly I climb, I will always fall. While I know my focus should be on God in looking toward this summer, I cannot seem to stop worrying about how I will compare to those around me. Will the others have to wait for me as I pant and crawl in their wake? Will I be able to let others see me at my most vulnerable without getting angry at myself for being so weak? Can I take the convicting words without getting defensive and accusatory? I want to say I will be able to push all lies out of my mind, but it proves difficult to throw down a 19 year old crutch. If I assume that people will be disappointed in me, it hurts a little less when they actually are. Or at least that’s what I’ve believed all of my life. But I’m tired of it. I want to be able to enjoy new people without deciding immediately whether or not they will judge me. I am judging people on whether they are judgmental! And I do it at first glance.So long I’ve been concerned about the judgment that may be in others’ hearts, but what I see now if that it is my own judgment that is crippling me. I am judgmental, therefore I assume everyone else is.

As I realize these things, I see that I have been living so much of my life with a foundation of lies. Tearing down that foundation will not be easy and it will certainly not be fun, but I am sure it will be right. I am hoping to start this process this summer, but whatever changes happen to be made in me, I know I will be better for them.

Please keep my in your prayers as I prepare for this summer. I need it. And if you want to check it out, just go to http://www.kbm.org/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=138&Itemid=170

fathers

•April 18, 2010 • Leave a Comment

Winter  knocked me down and shook my world. Part of me wishes I would have documented what was going on, but at the same time, I don’t want to relive it. With every day came a new surprise, few of them uplifting. As much as I was expecting my mom’s divorce from my step-dad and the unpleasantries that would follow, I did not expect my own reactions to the situation. I thought I had gotten over the disappointment of my failed family, convincing myself that we were never a family and that it was my fault to have hoped for a father. It was my fault I was hurting- if only I had shut myself off from the get go.

I’ve come to realize that this is my motto in life. I shut myself off before anyone else can. I convince myself not to be outgoing or even friendly, because the more of me people see, the more reason they will have to reject me and the more it will hurt. If I don’t let people see that I am weak, I will inevitably become stronger. If I act as if I am stone, I don’t have to face the glaring displays of brokenness assaulting me from every angle. But as the popularity of pet rocks has declined in recent years, this life is not one I am willing to accept any longer. I don’t know what love looks like, but I refuse to stop looking. I seek not romantic love, but the love of a creator.

I have always been bothered when people try to compare God to a father. If God is a father, then I’ll take my chances on this earth, as heaven is of no interest to me. I cannot accept this mockery of my God. The fathers of this earth reflect little of my Creator. I will not call my Savior by a name that has disappointed me so greatly. Despite my biases against fathers, I have been blessed by the ability to witness my roommate’s family. Her dad is a man who does not deserve to be compared to the men who have shaped and reinforced my views.I wish that I wanted a father, but I can only seem to wish that the role of father in my life had never been filled.

Now, I feel as I am saying that the father figures in my life were horrible men. I will not make that judgment, but I will say that they did little but reaffirm my doubts of love.

It’s just that I am realizing that I have been holding God up to my standard of fathers, or rather holding Him down to my standard, and it’s crap. That’s all I’m saying.