17

(Written a long time ago. It was saved as a draft)

Today, I was a horrid wench. Well, today I had to deal with the fact that I have been being a horrid wench. I say things to people who annoy me just to make them feel bad. I want to make sure they know I’m annoyed and inconvenienced by their presence. I want them to know that I think little of them. I want them to feel as if they deserve the way I am treating them. But it is not true. I don’t really want any of that. I am annoyed with myself, not them. Every time someone gets on my nerves, I just fill to the brim with bitterness and hatred and I hate myself for it. I hate that I can’t enjoy the silly little mistakes people make rather than exploit them. I can’t make myself not care when the little things pile up. I hate that I can’t stand to be around people. I pushed my own roommate to the point that she isn’t speaking to me right now. I had another girl ask me why I hate her so much. When I’m in a room talking to a crying girl, it is so lame to tell her that it’s not her, it’s me. What kind of lame excuse it that? I hate excuses. I hate things that even remotely sound like excuses. I hate a lot of things right now. I feel like I can’t see the good in anything, but the truth is I’m too discouraged to even look. It’s so hard to look at the good things and hope for the best, but I feel like it just opens me up for further disappointment. If I expect people to be a certain way, they will let me down. But if I continue to expect that everyone will piss me off, they will. It is proven. So you would think I wouldn’t be disappointed because I was expecting it. Wrong. So wrong. It’s so much worse, because then I feel even more justified in my annoyance with them. I look only at the fact that they are constantly annoying and never even give people a chance to do anything right. I want it not to hurt. I wish I could coldly treat people however I want, but it hurts me when I hurt people.

I named this blog entry 17 because that’s the number I need to focus on. That’s how long I have left at school until I get to go home for the summer. I only have to stand this for 17 more days. But I also only have 17 days to make it right. And I don’t think that’s going to happen. I don’t know how things are going to get better with people who I have been awful to since August. I just want it to be over, but I don’t want it to end like this. I just want people to forget the last year and let me come back in the fall with my issues sorted out. My issues like my depression. I hate admitting that I’m depressed. I feel like I’ve malfunctioned in some way or come up short. I feel like I am worth less because I am sick.

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~ by Meredith Joanna on November 6, 2013.

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