Dying down.

The effects of my dating experiment have worn off. It wasn’t really an experiment, but if it was, it would not be a successful one. Rex and I got in a little bit of an argument about my reasoning for whether or not we would see each other again. I told him what I needed to know if we were going to go out again and he got really defensive. Apparently by stating that I need to know where a guy is spiritually I was saying that he isn’t devout enough for me. That isn’t what I was saying at all. I honestly couldn’t tell at all if he was a Christian in the past few days. I didn’t mean to make him feel judged, but he did and we are not speaking. I’m not too torn up about it as I wasn’t even sure I wanted to go out with him again. He was an okay guy, but I really don’t think I need to be spending my time with a guy who could just as easily not be a christian as be a christian based on a few days of talking to him. I know this is all supposed to go back to casual dating, but I don’t see the point in continuing to date someone if you know they are not the type of person you would want to lead you. I need someone who makes me better by pointing me constantly to Christ. I don’t need to be going out with a guy who isn’t obviously a Christian.

But anyway, I offended him. And now I don’t have to worry about whether or not I will go out with him again. I knew there wouldn’t be a third date, but now a second date is out of the question. I don’t know if I am supposed to care, but I don’t. I only care that I offended him and he felt judged. That’s not how I meant to come across at all. I didn’t say he wasn’t a Christian. I didn’t say he wasn’t Christian enough. Regardless of how great of a Christian he is, I’m not sure I want to even be friends with someone who is on the defensive so quickly.

Enough about Red Lobster boy.

Another thing that has died down is my brain. I feel like all of the creative genius that I may have possessed at one point has drained from me completely. I did make a pretty good mock brochure for KBM training programs that was due today, but now I’m too drained of creativity to make anything good for my Product ID class. I have about 20 boring comps of letterheads, envelopes and business cards on my computer. I only need to turn 3 in, but none of them are phenomenal. How exciting can you really be when designing letterheads, envelopes and business cards for a midwestern cheese company? I don’t know if it’s because we are doing everything so slowly and step by step, but I feel like I’m turning in some really boring stuff this week. Everyone has already seen my logo. They know what to expect. There are only so many options with a letterhead. You can’t just go crazy because it would be too busy. So I have to go with boring. But where is the balance between boring and simple? Where is it?!?!? I need to know. How can I make stationary beautiful, functional and memorable? I’m supposed to be figuring that out, but I feel unexceptional when I look at what I am going to turn in tomorrow. I like my work, but will it stick out next to the work of others? Will I look at their genius and wish I could think of such unique ways to solve the problem of letterhead design. Agh.

Apart from feeling boring, I love my major this semester. I haven’t been too sure about it the last year or so, but I really like layout more than I thought I would. I especially like designing for companies that have an established style. It’s interesting to have to work within parameters set by a different designer. It’s fun to see how versatile I can be when I’m trying to design that way. Especially the KBM brochure. I like their design, but it’s not something I would have come up with. It was fun to take what KBM has already established as their sort of “look” and have to play off of it. I really like the end product. Functionally, it has just been hard to get the right info in the brochure. People don’t want to spent 10 minutes reading when they open a brochure. they want gist. Hopefully I put stuff in it that would be informative yet interesting enough to make a person want to check it out more in depth on the KBM website. It’s not like it will ever actually be used, but I would like to know that it could. I want my work to look professional even if my classmates and professors are the only people who will ever see it.

As I’m writing this I’m realizing how thankful I am that I like what I’ve chosen to do professionally. I have been really unsure recently. I haven’t wanted to be in college or in my major or in Upland. I haven’t wanted anything that is actually the reality of my life. I feel like I’ve been doing so many things because it is logical. I’ve continued college and graphic design not because I wanted to or because I felt called to be at Taylor, but because it was logical. It never made any sense for me to cease to be a student here. It is logical that I finish college where I started it. It is logical that I finish the last 3 semesters in my major, but that hasn’t been what I’ve wanted.

Honestly, I’ve resented it. I have been so mad at the fact that I can’t make myself feel like my life is good enough. I’ve been angry that a diagnosis and prescription didn’t fix me. I have hated myself for hating everything and everyone in front of me. I haven’t been able to make myself even want to want anything. I’ve wanted desire. I’ve wanted passion or decision, but it hasn’t been there. With that in mind, I see it as a huge blessing that I am enjoying things again. I am enjoying things that are challenging and that I am not perfect at.

You know when you’ve been sick for a while and you literally forget what it feels like to be healthy? This January I got sick for a while and I couldn’t stand in the shower. I had to sit down for about an hour every time I went DOWN the stairs. I had to sit when I cooked my soup. I remember trying to remember what it even felt like to live life without noticing that my body hurt or my nose was stuffy. Last semester I forgot what I felt like to enjoy. Anything. I couldn’t remember what it felt like to enjoy my friends. The best I could do is try to remove myself by reading or watching movies. At least then I felt less. But I never felt good. I am not saying this to talk about how terrible things were and how awful my life is.

I am saying that God is good to me. Just like slowly getting better from a bad cold, you don’t always notice when everything starts sounding normal again or when you can breathe with your mouth closed. I didn’t just wake up feeling better. I think I’ve spent the past month with a stuffy nose and a sore throat, but I never noticed that I could stand in the shower again. You get what I’m saying? Just like I forgot what it is like to feel healthy, I failed to notice that I felt better.

I have enjoyed multiple things this week. Insignificant things. That is a blessing that I cannot begin to wrap my mind around. It brings me to my knees. And right now I am enjoying God. I’ve missed it. I’ve missed him.

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~ by Meredith Joanna on March 8, 2011.

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