Uncharacteristic

Tonight I went on a date with a guy I met at dinner… tonight. I went out to Red Lobster with a friend and he was our host. He kept coming back to our table to talk to us and he even let us hold Lobsters. I ended up leaving my number thinking “what could it hurt?” He came to our table to talk to us at least 3 or 4 times during our meal and was cute and funny and even admitted to watching Vampire Diaries. Anyway, he texted me and we decided to go out after he was off work.

We went to go see a movie and he really is a nice guy. The issue is not in the details of our date, it is in my motivations. Why did I give my number to a guy I didn’t know? Why did I then go on a date with him? Why did I let him put his arm around me and hold my hand? I wasn’t feeling any desperate need for affirmation and I was not looking to find the man I would marry. I just wanted to spend some time with a cute guy I met. I wanted to casually date. I, a female christian in my twenties, believe in casual dating. I seems against nature. I feel like it is seen as sinful or unwise. I think it is unwise to look at things as intensely as we do. If you are dating someone, it is only every serious dating- a serious relationship that starts off at a depth that fosters messy breakups and broken hearts.

How can you know so definitely what you want? How can you know that you want to go from being friends to being intensely “together”? I think I know a lot of things that I don’t. Every relationship I’ve had has flopped because I realized a couple weeks in that I didn’t like the guy I was with. I didn’t want to be with him. I don’t want that to happen to me again. I don’t want to stake a friendship on whether or not I actually know what I want. Feelings change. I’m not prepared to go into something crazy intense. So why not just be single? Why date? Why not? I don’t think it’s wrong for two people who are attracted to each other to enjoy each others’ company. I don’t think I’m devaluing myself by dating casually. I think I’m figuring out what I want. I am not prepared to make an all or nothing decision.

Sometimes I think I am. Sometimes I think I would like to be with something, but when it comes down to it, becoming a couple is terrifying, especially since there seems to be not middle ground, especially here at Taylor. I don’t want to have to decided whether or not I want to marry someone when I am trying to figure out whether or not I want to date them. They are not the same. Dating is not marriage. Dating relationships end and it is not sinful. It is not wrong to not know what you want. I have prayed about casual dating and where my convictions are. I think it’s okay. In fact, I think it could be good. I’m not talking about just dating around without any concern for who is actually holding your hand or paying for your meal. I don’t encourage that. In fact, I don’t even think I encourage casual dating for others. Figure that our on your own. As for me, I believe in casual dating and I don’t think it’s wrong. That’s where I stand, even after trying it out. It was not fantastic. I will most likely not go out with him again, but I liked spending time with him and getting to know him so I can say without a doubt that I don’t want to pursue things further. When left to my own devices, I could easily convince myself that he is wonderful and beautiful and we would have gorgeous children. I could imagine him getting along with my grandparents and cooking with me. I could put him on a pedestal and build up this relationship in my mind, but now I don’t have to. I know. I know because I gave him my number and I went on a date with a stranger.

I am very tired and will probably vomit once I see my own writing in this post, so if you vomited at my bad writing or your disapproval, I’m sorry that your computer is now a mess. Also, that’s gross.

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~ by Meredith Joanna on March 5, 2011.

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